Hello everyone. I created this website over 2 years ago, and today I am finally accomplishing one of my first objectives which was to have my own blog and post regularly. Although this is the first post and I cannot say I am accomplishing the “regularity” of the posting, here I am committed to start, and that feels already like a win. You cannot continue if you never started, right?
I want to start talking about Changes, as indeed that is the constant of our lives. In the last two years I passed from being a single woman who loved to be in control, to a married mom of a toddler who reminds me every single day I cannot have control over most aspects of life. Don’t get me wrong, I still love having control (guilty!), I just learned that i have to surrender more and more to the fact that I cannot have it most of the time, and that is ok (even when I want to throw a tantrum about it).
This week was my first week back at work, after a year and a half of not working on an corporate role, and after being a yogi mom who feels day after day that 24 hrs are not enough for all the things I want to do… suddenly I am back sitting in front of a screen analyzing data. I am not gonna lie, I was on edge the past 3 weeks. Crying to the minimal provocation and my digestion was also a mess. However, is funny that since I finally started I feel quite peaceful and calm. And once again this is proof that is not the problem we fear, is our approach to it.
Anyway, we know that life means constantly adapting to change and uncertainty, however nothing could have prepared me for the changes that came with motherhood.
My yoga practice changed. I used to wake up every day and have an hour of self practice which helped me center my mind and maintain my physical progress. During pregnancy I was so sick and tired that i practiced very little (except for the yoga teacher training I took from my 3rd til my 5th month). And after Dani was born I have gotten more into teaching and being a mom that my personal practice has been reduced to a couple of times a week, if I’m lucky. This makes me feel like a bad yogi sometimes, but then I try to remember what I repeat to my students: “Being bad at yoga is like being bad at life, the only way you can be bad at them is by not showing up”… and I show up, not as often, not as strong, not as long of a practice, but I am still here.
My body also changed, more than what I expected and definitely much more than what I would have wanted it to. For many years I said I would never get pregnant because I was scared dead to “ruin” my body and all the work I had invested into being very fit. Disclaimer: my body was not ruined. My body adapted to grow a child inside it, and bring it out into the world. My ribcage widened, also my back and my hips. I changed sizes, and had to give away many of my precious sports bras (like if that was a tragedy haha) and make peace with the fact that I am not in the body I groomed for a long time, and that is ok. My breasts got lower and lost firmness, my belly too. I can feel my strong abs under the flaccid skin that folds when I wear my crop-tops to yoga practice. And in the beginning I was mortified, but little by little I am learning to live inside my new body, proud and grateful of what it has done for me, my dreams, and family. And funny enough, when I think of it with a gratitude perspective, it always looks much more beautiful to me than before.
I grew up with the constant reminder that my body was not pretty enough for me to be happy with it. So early on I started comparing myself to others and not liking the fact I was short or my hips and thighs were too wide and thick. So I always worked out, more than to be healthy, it was to fit into this standard my body naturally didn’t really fit into. Oh and I did get a six pack and tiny waist, however my value was resting on something brittle, something that changes. Since that twenty-something year old focused on her looks, I have worked a lot on growing as a person and put my value where it belongs, inside of me. However motherhood has come to move the ground where I have been standing in the last few years, and shake my sense of identity, of self-worth, of priorities in life… and although it sounds harsh and exhausting… things are finding their place in the right spot. I feel like a much better version of myself (when I am not feeling the maternal guilt or the exhaustion haha).
Also another thing I want to mention, is how we as women and mothers are expected to give it all. And the craziest thing is that many times that expectation is so internalized, that we are the only ones who are expecting that from ourselves. This has been an on-going struggle in my life, the problem to set boundaries, to take care of myself, and be mindful of my available resources – meaning energy and time, mostly -. But being a mom represents existing to take care of someone you decided to bring into this word. And suddenly all that internal work about setting boundaries fades, and you find yourself one evening after putting the baby in bed, completely drained, frustrated, with a huge to-do list, looking like you haven’t showered in days, and resenting your partner. Crying helps, but nothing helps as much as being true to yourself, setting boundaries and RESPECTING THEM! (yes, that is the hardest part when you wanna be available for your family all the time)… and giving yourself some time to get back to who you are outside the daily roles we play as mom, partner, worker, teacher, etc.
Last but not least, we, moms also have our own plans and dreams that looked so shiny when we were single and childless and now look like such a far away reality, because now we have so many more things on our plates. That is also what Camino Yoga is for me. I expected to reach to so many more people by now, but pregnancy and motherhood slowed this process. It is not bad, is just how things are because I have different priorities now, but I am still moving forward. Slowly, very slowly sometimes, but I am here, and I know consistency will pay off. Yes, I do not see into the future, so maybe it will never get to the big plans I have for it in my head, but one thing is certain, if I don’t keep going, then I will definitely never get there.
So here I am, changing, evolving, adapting, growing, learning, living. My priorities are different now, but I am still myself. Now I don’t care that about being pretty, I care about being strong. I don’t care about being fit, I care about being healthy. I don’t care about being admired, I care about being approachable and reliable. And although I would like to have instant gratification, I know that good things take time, so I keep on going.
See you next week and thank you for reading.
If any of this resonated with you , leave me a comment on Instagram, your words always feed my heart.
Love, Vero.
