Have you ever seen a runner on a race when they want to keep on running, are fighting with all that is left in them to keep going, but their body is just not responding any more? Well that is called “hitting the wall”, and that happened to me this week and not really related to running.
As you might have read, I went back to work last week, after not working for a year an a half. Honestly it was more stressful to dread for this time to come, than the actual time arriving and getting back to work. However, me being me, I have a very strong sense of responsibility. So, even if the work is starting slowly, and I have plenty of time to do my tasks in the scattered times I have as a yoga teacher/mama, whenever I am not sitting in front of the computer during the “agreed working hours with my employer”… I feel a huge guilt. So yeah, seems like guilt is our forever companion, like that person who is part of the group of friends, who you don’t really like and, don’t even know that well, but somehow is always there, so you just learn to tolerate their presence. So either mother’s guilt or working guilt, (other day we will talk about food guilt and their relatives haha), it is somehow always there.
Anyway, between trying to stay responsible at work, catching up with so many new things that have happened while I was on maternity leave, plus trying slowly to refresh my yoga website, stay active and present in the yoga world, plus teaching my now 4 fixed classes a week (plus a few substitutions here and there), plus my 3 Czech language lessons a week, plus keeping this household running decently… and of course being a mom. I was DEAD!. Dani is now going to daycare, as I went back to work, she started in August but since Summer was still on, there were only 3 kids. It went smooth and she loves to go. However, September started and other 5 kids joined, and only one week in, she caught a bug. Ugh! Coughing, buggers, a little fever, nose washes, drops, nebulizer treatment, and of course the kid staying at home as they do not accept sick kids. And why not? Parents catching the cold as well.
When Dani is not in daycare and she is under my supervision, I try to keep my undivided attention to her, and keep myself cheery and calm so she knows mama is reliable, and her safe place to land anytime. However mama needed a safe place as well this week. On Tuesday, after teaching yoga, working, and entertaining Dani at home, after the immense sick-time bed-routine, kiddo was finally in bed, mama took a shower and after it started crying, a lot! I felt an mix of exhaustion and frustration. I felt like I had so many things to do and so many thing I wanted to accomplish but the day was already over and I just could not keep my body working. My eyes were closing, and I knew that I needed to sleep, rest, recover. Yes rational-Vero knew that, but emotional-Vero wanted to have the satisfaction of feeling accomplished. And I know it seems like an easy decision to make when you are reading this now, but in the moment it feels overwhelming and makes you feel so small and powerless.
So what is the responsible thing to do? This brings me to a simple definition of the word “responsible”. Responsible means to able to respond. Period. And by trying to achieve so much and respond to whatever unrealistic goals I have during a day, day after day, just stretches me so thin, that it is just not sustainable. After a while I will not be able to keep up and I will not be able to respond. Irresponsible. Yes, while disguising it as responsibility, this is the irresponsible choice. The responsible choice is to slow down, recognise my limits, stop that delusional thinking that I can achieve as much as I once did when I was a single, childless woman. Not possible. Yes, my mind can keep up to that speed still, but my body, my priorities, my day, cannot. Yes, work is important. Yes, yoga and my professional plans are important. But do you know what is more important? My health, my family’s wellbeing, my daughter’s development, my marriage, and ultimately my peace. These are things that either way things go, I need in my life, and I need them complete.
All this sounds so centered and zen, but damn it! is so hard to get there when you are navigating life. Always the urgent thing is enemy of the important one, but we need to keep eyes on the prize. Like I heard recently on a video “if it doesn’t matter in 5 years, it doesn’t matter”. And I felt that.
Since yesterday I am going to bed at 9 ish, I am trying to take advantage of any possible moment to catch some sleep, I am only saying yes to things that I really want or need, and saying more no than before. Mostly to myself. Maybe we can do everything, but definitely we cannot do everything at the same time.
So yeah, if you are feeling at times like you are “hitting the wall”. I invite you into my “let’s-figure-this-sh*t-out party”, and understand what is it that matters and what is it that does not. What is it that I want in my life, and what is it that I do not. And slowly, in time, you will know the answer. We all have that self-who-knows inside ourselves. We just have learned to not listen to it. But we can always go there if we want to.
And what do all these things have to do with yoga?… Well, as you know, yoga is not only going to a class, is a way of living, of reacting, of responding. It translates to pretty much everything on and off of the mat. If you are practicing now and want to achieve certain yoga pose, but you are tired, didn’t sleep well, maybe you are worried about something, or your muscles are not well trained yet… well, you are not going to be able to achieve it. You can keep trying right now, but you are only gonna grow more frustrated and exhausted. Go, rest, and tomorrow show up again. Maybe tomorrow won’t be the day either, but in time, it will, that is for sure! And you will never know this if you quit.
Keep showing up, be true to yourself, recognise your limits, and honor who you are today, to become who you want to be in the future.
(I tell you this, and I tell myself this at the same time)
Love you, and see you next week!
Vero
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