Community

I did not publish anything last week. That was due to the fact that I was throwing up and feeling dead from a stomach flue we got over here.

Did I feel guilty about not posting? Yes and no. Yes because I have made a commitment to write once a week, and I actually love the process of writing, although it ends up being stressful as I do not have almost any available free time nowadays as a mom/employee/yoga teacher. But my commitment to the 3 people who read me, is there and is strong hahaha. And no, I did not feel guilty in a way, because what else could I do? We were sick, life happens and commitments are important but taking care of ourselves and our health is a priority. So i figured the world could wait, and my 3 readers too.

I have been somehow sick for a month now, cold, cough, flu. And feeling like you do not have control over your body is very hard when you want to perform and do things like if you were healthy. Anxiety spikes. The world keeps moving forward, and you cannot keep up with the pace. And while being in this loop of self-torturing thoughts, I got to think about how much nicer and soothing would it be to live in a community, where we feel safe because most needs are fulfilled by the community members. Everybody does their job to keep the wheels turning, and if you fall ill, the community has your back. Something like the village they build in “The last of us” series. I mean they did it to survive in the middle of zombie apocalypse, but still, they are living the dream -minus zombies-.

I feel like lately the word community has somehow became a buzzword. We see it everywhere, and people use it whenever there is a tiny thing that they have in common. You both play tennis, ok then you are part of the tennis community, or the yoga community, or the gamer community…. But the meaning of that community word, is not what community really means.

We, as mammals evolved in groups of our own. Since the beginning of time for humans, we had a group of people we lived with, everybody had their role into making things work for everybody. This is somehow deeply imprinted in our biology. Nowadays, especially in big cities, you only care for your own family, and everybody has to fend for themselves. Yes, you have friends, acquaintances, and if your are lucky, family members who live not so far from you. But you can have all this and still not have a community. In these modern times, the combination of hyper-connectivity we live with, where we are constantly bombed with information, ideas, etc., plus the idea that self-care is putting everything on hold to take a bath. We are ending up feeling lonelier than ever, comparing our lives with others and not having anyone with whom we can feel safe opening up about how we feel.

We all say things like “it takes a village” and “community is the goal”, but very few people are willing to go through the discomfort of building a community. Community is not something that falls on your lap. It is something you work hard to build and maintain. Building a community means embracing discomfort and hardship, as a mean to something greater. Means opening up and being vulnerable. Means being tired after work and still visit your friend who put effort to have a dinner party. Means checking on your people, with a call or texts, even if you are very busy. Means meeting your friends and their kids, even if that feels like too much stimulation sometimes. Means being there for your people, because they are there for you. Means investing and sharing from your cup, even when your cup is not full. Basically means having certain people always in your mind, not only your own.

However, knowing this is one thing, but another completely different thing, is actually finding people who can reciprocate that kind of commitment and bravery, to face discomfort in order to build a strong community. And knowing that this is a process that takes time, and who has free time nowadays? Especially if you have kids! Since I became a mom I feel like I do not have time for anything that is not a bare necessity. So I get it, it can be very discouraging to go and invest that little available time in people who do not reciprocate. It brings back flashes of dating apps and how draining that process is, especially if you really want to find a true connection… but hey I met my husband on Bumble app! So that means that if that was possible,  finding your community is also possible!

In 2018, I joined a program called Warriors without Weapons. This program focussed on teaching social innovation techniques for people who wanted to work in making the world a better place for all. This program includes a 1 month immersion in Santos, Brazil. In that moment I had been working for a few years in youth inclusion in water governance, along with sustainability activism, but above that, I had suspended my PhD, was refusing to accept I was in a failed relationship, and I was depressed. A couple of people I knew -who are one of those people that are light and love in human shape- told me about this program and I felt the calling. Maybe because I was lost, but whatever it was the reason, it changed my life forever.

I was warned, “this experience will change you”, they said. I was ready to change. “People with partners either brake up after this, or get much much much stronger”. And the one that now makes me think of this place like a genius program in which they tap into something very very deep in any human being that lives it: “You will see how people do not want to leave after it is done, they stay around, delay their flights, ask to be volunteers and work with them, even with no pay, just to be close”.

It all sounded quite mystical and vague. But I trusted the people who recommended it, and I needed something to lean on. It is very hard to describe the program in words. We were around 70 people from 14 countries, and there were 5 weeks. The first one was within ourselves, making 7 groups, getting to know each other, sharing our stories, motivations, dreams. There were 7 main tasks in the place: waking everybody up in a loving/calm way, washing dishes for everyone and cleaning common areas, watering plants in the orchard and checking on the homegrown sprouts, beautifying the spaces, hosting people making dinner a special occasion, sharing your thoughts and emotions, and resting (one day with no task).

We had intense days from 6 to 10pm, learning, applying knowledge, working with people from marginalised areas, and we had to do our tasks nonetheless. If people fell sick, their team would cover up for them, and make sure they had everything they needed. Also being with so many people for so long starts bringing out in you a lot of emotions, but it was beautiful to feel safe even with 70 people you met that same month. Nobody judged if you needed to step away, or started crying, or needed to talk to someone. People were there to support each other. And of course people would fall for each other, but there was a rule to not get romantically involved with anyone for the whole month, as it would distract you from what the experience was intended to do for you. You had all the time in the world after the month was over.

Of course, I didn’t want to leave when it finished, but I had to. I had to go back to put order in my life, now that I was someone who could trust herself more. It changed something in me because it made me get in touch with something that is deeply embedded in our nature. We are supposed to live like this! In a safe place created by other humans! To be able to also be in touch with ourselves in a deeper way… For a long time I stayed in touch with them through the distance and trying to find ways to get back to Brazil, but it never fell through. But I broke up my relationship, moved away from Italy and back to Mexico. Reconnected with myself, took acre of myself and slowly pieces starting balling in place to make me finish my PhD and eventually come back to Europe, on my own.

For years I could not really articulate what was that something that made this program so magical and life-changing. I only knew these people were geniuses because they designed such an amazing experience. But last month I was listening to one of my favourite podcasts We can do hard things, and in an episode (link) they were talking about how most people have never even experienced what it is like to live in a community. And how it is a very hard concept to grasp if you have never experienced it. And BOOM! It all made sense. 7 years after Warriors without Weapons, I could finally understand what happened there. I had experienced what a real community is. And is no surprise that I have been longing to go back to it, ever since I left.

I consider myself very privileged to have had the opportunity to experience a real community for a whole month. And if a month changed my life, imagine what a longer term could do to a person. Sadly, to function in the world we live in, in which we have to produce, be fast, cost-effective, pay bills, etc… it is very hard to find people who are willing to invest in a community. The only resource we are certain of, is ourselves. So doing small changes in your life and actively trying to build a community can go a long long way. We are all busy protecting our own, but deep inside we all dream of the same belonging and connection. Maybe your community-seeking spirit will awaken that something in the people around you, who knows? But if we don’t try, you will never know.

I guess community is life-style. Is a philosophy of life that permeates all spheres of one’s reality. Because of my past life-style as an academic and activist nomad, I have community scattered in many different countries, and a blessed handful of beautiful people close to me, here in Prague. Is that enough? Not really, because we all struggle to find time to make this work, but is not nothing! And having those beautiful people around me, means the world to me.

If you, like me, long to find people around you who click with you, feel like a safe space to be yourself, and invest in keeping the connection and reciprocity alive, I hug you. It is not easy, but also it is beautiful to know you are a person who is willing to give. That goes a long way, and you will call in, and attract your people, sooner or later. Just keep that spirit high.

One day I will find a way to help others experience what community really is. That is one of my dreams, but in the meantime, I can only keep showing up and moving one bit at the time.

Hugs beautiful people, see you next week.

Love, Vero

P.S. If you want to know about Warriors without Weapons by Instituto Elos, you can find their website here. If you want more insights and maybe get connected with someone on the inside, drop me a message. It is an amazing experience.

Also… PLEASE let a message to make me know you are one of those 3 readers who pass by here 🙂