Friends in adulthood

I have always been a very outgoing person, and since my path has taken me to more than 50 countries, I am blessed with friends all over the world. This is something I realised when some dear friends contacted me because they were traveling to random places and needed input from a locals, and I was almost always able to connect them to someone in that place.

However, even if the friendship and the connection is there, the friendships that keep on giving, are getting more and more scarce as I grow older.

One thing that recently came to my attention is that, with the boom in mental health awareness, and people discovering things like boundaries, people are being people and often overdoing it. One of the things I have heard repeatedly in this self-care conversations is that “you need to make sure to fill up your own cup before you pour into someone else’s”. And while there is truth in that statement and we are responsible of protecting and taking care of our own energy levels, it has gone as far as to say you can only pour into others when your own cup is 100%. Only the overflow goes to others.

Now, let’s be real… who has overflow? I certainly don’t. Who has their cup 100% full? I sure as hell don’t. It might happen one day if i managed to sleep 3 days in a row and the world stopped and I managed to do my nails, go for a massage, have my house sparkling clean, no emails on my inbox and for some reason, no anxiety nor stress. Otherwise I don’t think I am almost ever at 100%. I do give my 100% every day, that is different. I give my 100% from the 40% or 70% I have.

The problem here is that with those overprotected and unrealistic boundaries, we are not really taking care of aspects that actually contribute to have a full cup. Like true and real friendships. I feel like nowadays people are easily dismissing attending to a birthday, or a gathering, or going out with a friend whose company does good to you, under the pretext of I am too tired, I don’t have energy, maybe some other day. And while some times that pretext is true and you need a break to just sleep and be alone… we are normalising those dismissive attitudes. And, in the meantime, life keeps going on, time passes, you almost never see that friend, and then you complain you don’t have real friends anymore and you feel lonely.

I always say friendships are like plants, regardless if you have a bonsai friend who needs to be watered every day in specific amounts, or you have a cactus friend who needs only a tiny bit of water every few weeks, they both need water. Watering those relationships is esencial in keeping them alive. So, yeah. you are tired after a full week at work, stress, etc. etc. etc… but a friend has a birthday dinner. You honestly would rather stay at home in pajamas and watch some Netflix, but this friend has been there for your own birthday, has picked up the phone to check on you, has been there watering you. Well those are the cases in which I consider you should grab your 47% filled cup and put some decent outfit that is not pajamas, and show up for your friend. Maybe you will come home with only 40% left, but maybe you will come with 60%, because watering others also brings life in you.

Also, as adults, we rarely share experiences together. Our days are so full with work, house, kids, teaching yoga -in my case-, that when we meet is to sit somewhere, drink something and talk. And don’t get me wrong, those interactions feel amazing most of the time. But, we are not really sharing experiences together. Think about it. Those friends from school that still persist, well, you went to shchool together, shared exam preparations, the same environment for a long time. Those friends you made traveling, you were discovering new places together. And even if you are one of those lucky people who has a good friend at work, well you share that common experience. But if you have different lives that never really intersect in more than those minutes sitting, sipping and talking…  well let’s just say that the glue that keeps you together is not as strong as the shared experiences glue.

Being an adult woman in a foreign country comes with the downside that is hard to make real, true, solid friendships. Those take time to shape and nowadays who has that kind of time and make it reciprocal?. I remember in college I would just crash at a friend’s house for lunch, and spend the whole afternoon together. That spontaneity of having someone who wants you in all of your shades, and wants you to be present in their lives. I miss those friends, and I do have them, just scattered in so many parts of the world that whenever I get sad they are far away, I push myself to remember that they exist! Maybe very far, maybe in a time-zone that is very hard to align, but nonetheless they exist, and that means that I am not alone. And that if I was lucky enough to find these amazing people once, maybe I will manage to meet more of them at some point in the future, in Prague.

In the meantime, I have joined even friendship apps (guilty!), I have invested lots of energy and time in places where I thought I would find like-minded people (like yoga studios), and it makes me feel just like when you break up a relationship. When you go out into the world again, it feels exhausting to have to introduce yourself so many times, select those bits and pieces that best portrait you into a quick interaction to see if you find that “click”. And if by miracle you do, and it has happened twice for me, they move away from Prague after a while. I keep going, keep myself busy, but I miss having a best friend around.

This has made me think that every time I feel lonely, thinking I don’t have that very present friendships in Prague, maybe what I am aiming for is to feel that closeness I felt when I was younger, with the amazing friends from high-school, or the awesome women I traveled the world with once… but life has changed, and I have changed, so much, that I think it is very very unlikely I get to find those connections exactly as the ones in my youth anymore. Maybe I have been holding on to a feeling that doesn’t longer exist. That ship has sailed and other ships have arrived. Not better, not worse, just different. Maybe that loneliness is not really loneliness but more like a grief that I have been dragging around for a long time. Unable to accept that it will no longer be that way.

Last night I was invited to a karaoke with some moms, and I sang my heart away haha, but I also felt that “click” with a lovely woman I met there. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, I don’t know if we will become friends, but that click gave me hope. Maybe it will not be the same ever again, but I can still click, which means that there are people out there who experience life in a similar way as me, there are people out there that make me feel seen and understood. And maybe life will match our timing at some point and make our paths cross and grow closer.

If you are feeling like is hard to keep friendships as an adult, you are not alone in this. As we grow and change, sometimes we have to shed those connections that no longer resonate with the person we are becoming. Is hard to accept. But you will find new people who resonate with who you are now. It might just take a while.

I tell you, and I tell myself. Hang in there, lovely heart. Your people are coming.

Sending you a warm warm hug.

Vero