Family

When I was a kid my mom had a saying that she repeated a lot: “From family and the Sun, the farther, the better” . Well, in Spanish is catchier because it rhymes, but yes, just like that.

I grew up with my mom and my brother. My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. I have no recollection of those events, however I was told as an adult that I cried excessively at kinder garden during that period. The family of my dad never showed much interest in being part of our lives, not even when my parents were married. On my mom’s side, it was messy and complicated. We saw my grandma from time to time, but she was never a constant in our lives. My grandma’s husband was not really my grandfather, although we called him grandpa. My real grandfather was a man I saw a handful of times in my life, and legend says he had over 70 kids with many many women. My grandma got pregnant with my mom when she was 16, from a man who doubled her in age. Can you imagine the societal shame and embarrassment, especially in a Latin American and very religious country? And also back in the 60’s where the whole world was more conservative in general.

My grandma had my mom, and my great-grandmother (who we called Mamá Lupita) “took care” of her, along with her 4 cousins (kids of the brother of my grandma, as the wife had left him with the 4 kids) . And I write it in quotes because she just made sure she had clothes, food and went to school. She did not really take care of her or any of the other kids that much. Mamá Lupita abused her verbally and physically, just like it was “normal” back in those days, maybe a bit worse, who knows. And since the other 4 kids came from the only son of Mamá Lupita, in a deeply machista society, the 4 cousins were favourited all the time above my mom, even if my grandma was the one paying the bills for everyone. My mom was always at last.

Yes, my grandma worked as a nurse night and day to provide for all the kids and Mamá Lupita, because her brother (the dad of the 4 cousins) was a good-for-nothing man that didn’t really work, and still was the golden son because he was a man and not a woman. But whenever my grandma was home, she was not the maternal mother my mom longed for. She resented her daughter. Because of her she was trapped in that life of working like a dog. She was not the kind who runs away, so she needed to provide, but in a prison of a life when she was in her early 20’s. She couldn’t go out, have fun, meet guys or fall in love. She was robbed of her youth, all because of the existence of my mom.  And she had to work, because Mamá Lupita made sure she remembered every day she brought that upon herself and she was an embarrassment for everyone.

Later on, when my mom was a teenager, my grandma married this man we called grandpa, and had two kids. With that, my grandma finally had her dream family, but my mom was always there to remind her of her past mistakes. So they always set my mom aside, and didn’t include her much as family, she was treated like someone who lived there and had to work and earn her place in that house. That is why my mom graduated as a dentist as soon as she could, married my dad, who was a man with no emotional intelligence, only not to be judged for going away as a single woman. And that is how my mom left that family behind.

So yeah, my mom grew up allergic to family. Family hurt her, family never supported her. She kept a cordial approach to her cousins and half-siblings (my aunts and uncles) and that is how I know my cousins. My mom raised us alone, working and doing her best with her bruised heart and her very twisted concept of what love means.

I remember growing up watching those American shows where all the family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, attend the kid’s baseball game and cheer for him all at once… and feeling sad because I would never have that in my life. I envied kids and friends who had a loving family, who had that grandma that spoiled them and those parents who were caring and supportive, and mostly together.

When I started therapy for the first time around 15 years ago, I remember one of the things I shared was this. My wish to have a united, caring, loving family. And the therapist told me that it was up to me to build that family for myself. I started therapy after dating a narcissist for around 7 months. When I finally said enough to that rollercoaster of emotions, as the days passed I started to see clearly how crazy that relationship was and how blind I was to stay there for 7 long months. I was 25 years old.

Since there, I have seen three different psychologist, being the last one like my guardian angel haha. But therapy has been essential in my life to understand my patterns, my anxious attachment style, my strive for perfectionism and fear of rejection. To understand how I was always drawn to men who gave me an ambivalent treatment regarding love. As that is all my mom could offer and that was all I knew.

Over time with therapy, a lot of personal growth work, and during the last decade, the company of my yoga practice… I have evolved to be someone different. Someone I like much more. Someone who prefers her peace and a regulated nervous system than the excitements of the highs and lows. Someone who keeps reminding herself that she is valuable regardless of what other might think of her. Someone who is only interested in deep and truthful connections that make her grow. Someone who has boundaries and knows her time and energy are a privilege so why waste them on people or places where they are not appreciated.

This new Vero, met Ondrej in 2021. An introvert man who showed her a whole new perspective on how to see the world. He sat by my side without judgment while I processed some of the most difficult moments in my life. Holding space for me to figure things out, with no rush.

In 2024, our daughter Daniela was born. I would never have chosen to do all this parenthood journey with anyone else than Ondrej.

Today, while I walk the streets of Prague, with Ondrej pushing the stroller while I hold Dani’s hand… I can’t help getting watery eyes when I see the reflection on a window of my beautiful family of 3 (or 4 if we have our lovely Quesadilla -our dog- with us). It makes me remember how much I wished for this, how much I longed for a loving family, a family that works like a team, and where we are there so support each other and celebrate life together.

And don’t get me wrong, life is not perfect, and honestly it will never be. But if I focused only on all the things I don’t have, I would not be able to appreciate how far I have come. How the life I have now is the life I dreamed of years back. Just like the yoga niyama “Santosha”, which invites us to appreciate the present moment in contentment. Stopping that thinking of longing for something to be happy, instead being happy now, with what we have. Because let’s be honest. If you are here reading this post, you are very likely amongst the most privileged humans in this world. So you have plenty, right now, to be happy today.

So, with this very personal post, I say goodbye. Honestly this has been my favorite post so far and it made me cry more than once while typing. It is very personal, and at the same time it made me want to hug my mom, wherever her soul is right now. Maybe another day, in another post, I will explore more that feeling and share it with you.

Thank you for reading and go and be happy today.

Love, Vero.

P.S. I added a few pictures so you can have a visual of my grandma with my mom as a baby, my mom and dad after their wedding, my mom with me and my brother when we were kids. My mom and I in 2021 just before she passed away. And my beautiful family, my own.

Also I finally managed to add the comment section so please leave a comment!!! 🙂 yay!